A brand new beginning

There is something about that strike of midnight that makes you feel like a brand new person. That you now have some super hero strength and any past sin you committed is now cleansed. You are now reborn. It's a new birth, a new beginning. That's what makes January 1st so special. 

2012 was a rough year for me, emotionally. It started out with us moving into our own apartment. We had just started the new level of our relationship last fall. We still had a lot to learn about what it was like to be a couple rather than just friends. Immediately after we moved, my son was sent off to spend a few months with his Dad. Looking back at my Instagram pictures that I exported to my computer (I deleted my account two weeks ago), I could see such sadness and pain in my eyes. It hurts to even look at those pictures sometimes.  It was my first time being away from my child for such a long period of time. 

Anyway, my son being away was tough on me. Not only that, it was that time of the relationship where you learned to live together. Let's just say the first two months were hard. Sometimes the days were great but we annoyed each other to no end. There was a lot of crying and yelling and scratching the shit out of my skin because being around him made me irritable. It wasn't that I didn't love him. It was that trying to compromise with this man seemed like such an exhausting battle. I felt like I was climbing stairs and there was no end in sight, even though I was drowning in sweat, breathing hard & so damn thirsty. Now don't get me wrong, not all days were like this. Lots of days were spent cuddling and kissing. But to be honest, lots were spent trying to get through & over walls that we had both set in place. Many days I thought about giving up but I never actually did that. I wanted this relationship with him. I wasn't scared of being alone if he decided to sail off on his own. I just didn't want to be without him. He brings out the absolute best in me. He was my equal. We might be a bit opposite but when it comes down to it, we bring out the best in each other. We know that now. 

Somehow, we got over those few rough months. The remainder of the months alone together consisted of working hard and enjoying each others company. Our relationship grew & before you knew it, it was finally time for my son to come home. That's when I felt whole. The first time seeing my child at work was surreal. I snatched him up and held on to him for what seemed like hours. The look he gave me, I'll never forget. He gazed at me with confusion & then it was like he melted. He realized that I was real and I heard, "Mommy!" while he hugged me. He pulled back again and gave me that look that you only get when your heart melts & you're so happy that you can't say anything else. I will never forget it.

Around that time it was fall/winter & things started looking up. We broke down walls, as a family, and I've never been so happy to be loved by my boys. Around Christmas, Mike and I began the next phase of our relationship. Nothing extravagant but we did spend a good amount on Christmas Eve discussing the past year and it was then we transitioned as a couple. I don't know how many times we transitioned during the year but it feels really good to grow together. It solidifies the bond between a couple. It's necessary and so powerful to the relationship. *sigh* I just love being in love with Mike.

Now here we are, in a brand new year. According to my yearly horoscope, this year will be more about money & my "career". I'm expected to have "gains & losses" financially. Eeek. Acknowledging that last years horoscope was pretty much correct, I can only assume this one will be as well. It also appears to be "nothing short of a rebirth." I should be breaking out of my co-dependent rut & take value in my independence and authenticity as a person. While it all sounds teeth clinching at the moment, it's a bit exciting! I'm taking a front seat to my life this year and it feels wonderful! I can just feel the roller coaster I'm about to jump on and I'll tell ya, it's exhilarating! Are you guys excited for 2013? I hope my horoscope is right. I'm ready for career growth & new direction. To do things I'm passionate about. 2012 was a frumpy, boring year when you look at it from a life stand point. All that was gained was my relationships with my boys. This year, especially since I've gotten my license, I just feel it's going to explode. I can hardly contain myself. 

Cheers to 2013! Bring on the madness!

PS. to Michael : Thank you for being right there beside be through all of these hurdles & during my personal growth. I know it had to be rough on you to see me so scattered as it was rough for me to see the same in you. You changed my life & continue to make me want to strive for more. I have never been so deeply in love with a person & mentally connected than I am with you. You are my equal. I'm so happy to be spending what little life I have remaining, with you.  I love you now & I'll love you forever.