You know how they say, "You have to love yourself first before you love anyone else"? That's bullshit. Absolutely, in no way, is that true. I've spent my entire life loving & devoting myself to other people. Real love. Which is great for me. I fulfill my need to love others & others get to be loved by someone else. However, I've been lacking on myself my entire life. Growing up, I cannot remember someone in my family telling me that I'm beautiful. I wasn't the prettiest in the bunch people. I had (and still have) crooked teeth, hair in places they shouldn't be & I was incredibly scrawny. I wonder how different my self-esteem would be right now if I heard that I was beautiful rather than only hear that I was unique. I mean, I faced the facts. I was not conventionally appealing to look at. I looked like a boy up until I was 17 & the Army helped me gain weight and chisel out an appearance & it also gave me boobs. So really, I've been living with the new me for 10 years when I had the mind of an awkward child for 17. Within these new 10 years, 4 of them consisted of having a good body. The rest changed because I had a child and I had to battle with self-acceptance all over again.
We all have inner demons we are constantly trying to fix. Every day, I force myself to look in the mirror and accept myself. Accept my age. Accept the changes to my body, to my face. I've always had a double chin & started noticing my face drooping & looking pretty harsh. I mentioned it to my boyfriend the other day which was a huge mistake. I live with a man who seems to snub his nose at the mention of plastic surgery or anything that can change my face for the better. I had been looking into Thermage in the Dallas area only to find that a.) It is expensive and b.) Once you start, you pretty much have to keep going. What does my boyfriend really expect? I AM A WOMAN. I should feel beautiful all the time. Men don't have to be beautiful. They don't wear makeup to cover their deformities. If they gain weight, women might still look at them as long as they have money. They have the power in the self acceptance department. Response from my boyfriend when I told him my face was droopy:
"What do you expect? We are getting older. You look beautiful to me."
Shut up. Do you not realize that as I age, my hooded eyelids will fall even more? I mean, they cover my eyeballs already! I'm only 27! By the time I'm 35, I'll have to lift my eye lid skin up every time I want to see something! Peek-a-boo! Next time, I'll talk to a women about the insecurities regarding outer appearance. On this topic, men just do not understand nor do I think they even want to.
Let's continue on to my inner being. I have always been an oddball. I love that about me. It's one thing that people just don't get. "You're so confusing! You like everything, I never know what to get you!" Being an oddball in society is kind of a battle. I posted on my old blog how it just seemed so much easier to conform. Which made me feel like an absolute fraud. Now, I literally yell FRAUD! in my head when I'm doing something that just isn't me. Oooh cute hipster glasses. FRAUD! Let me check out this Lana Del Rey song. FRAUD! Maybe I should do a DIY post, FRAUD! I really like those brown, FRAUD! Maybe I should buy, FRAUD! But I kind of, FRAUD!
This FRAUD warning system in my head has been incredibly useful recently. Sometimes, you can get sucked into what other bloggers are doing. Example, nail polish. I do not like painting my nails. I have pretty, skinny piano fingers that I ONLY like wearing French tips on or nothing at all. The painted nails infatuation exploded on Instagram & I was encouraged by my boyfriend (who LOVES when I paint my nails) to try it. I started buying nail polish even though I knew it would chip off the next day. I mean, I have working hands. I have to wash them consistently during the day at work. Now I'm looking at these chipped nails, asking myself WHY. Once I'm done with this post, I'm marching into the bathroom to remove this fugly polish.
I never use to FRAUD myself. I just accepted it. I've think I've had a rebirth. I think my real self is just ready to come out so it shouts out me when I'm doing something unlike myself. Which is really great to be honest. I want to like myself again. I want to like being who I am and not freak out when someone gives me a side eye or criticizes my choices. I was never like that.
I'm sure that once I feel like my old self, I will still have inner battles. Even my old self had inner battles. We're always trying to self improve, whether it be in your inner or outer being. I just really need to find different ways to tell myself that it is okay. Genuine self-improving is not damaging. It doesn't mean, I don't love myself. Negative criticism on my body ("Your belly is disgusting") hurts the progress to love myself. I always forget that I blew up like a balloon & popped out a 9lb baby, that I absolutely love.
I recently came across a self-love challenge while watching a documentary.
"I accept myself, unconditionally, right now."
You're suppose to do this two times a day, for thirty days, while looking in the mirror. Towards the end of your thirty days, your mind will start to change its way of thinking. The negative thoughts will slowly back away and let positive thoughts about yourself step forward. I challenge you all to try it. We all need a little self love improvement. Hell, I know I do or I wouldn't have rambled on in this post about things I don't like about myself. Probably should have talked about the things I do like. Maybe I'll write back in thirty days & see if the next self-love/self-acceptance post is a bit more positive than this one. Yea, I think I'll do that.
Do you have any advice on self-love? Have you tried anything that has actually worked to love yourself more? I'd really love to hear about it if you have.
Plus, I'm kind of sick of writing blog posts about "I wish" or "finding myself". Half the time I write, I just want to scream, "Girl, suck IT UP & get on with yourself." So please people, help a girl be less "poor me" and more "go me". It's time to actually live my life rather than keep reflecting on it. I mean, I've done some shitty things in life but damn, can a girl get some courage to boast about herself? Let's do this. Let's progress. #teamgome
