The best part of starting from the bottom (personally) is that you can only build up. In the previous years, when I was married, I d u m b e d myself down. I had no goals, no direction. I couldn't even hold intelligent conversations with anyone around me. Oh wait, I really had no one around me at all. I had literally hibernated from the world. I was quite alone. I ended up changing my life & taking an alternate direction in hopes of saving myself. Along the way, I acquired a wonderful partner in crime who made me realize that I had the ability to fulfill my utmost potential. I couldn't even lie to him either. We were both in the military together. He obviously had spent a lot of time with me performing to the fullest. He had seen the side of me that was fully alive.
Today, I got angry. Someone in my life (who will go unnamed) had once again disappointed me and hindered my ability to do certain things. Their bitterness with me is a direct reflection of their failure in taking responsibility in their choices. They took it out on me and I got angry. I felt defeated and exhausted. It was like speaking to a brick wall.
While having my head in my hands, I just let it all go. I cannot control other people but I can continue to better myself in order to take care of myself. In the state I am at right now, sometimes certain peoples actions do have a direct affect in my life. If I continue to better myself, I'll get to a point where it doesn't matter if someone doesn't hold their end of the bargain. I'll be good without their false promises in my life.
I know what I'm speaking about is quite vague. Let's just say that I'm speaking about a person who I will never be able to shake from my life because we share a common denominator. I'm sure I've said too much already. I plan to keep most of that part of my life out of this blog for the sake of someone I love.
Anyway, back to personal growth. I feel like I've changed a lot over the past two years. I can personally feel the strength I have remaining inside of me and I'm excited about that. All I have to do is keep taking steps forward. This summer, I will finally be able to enroll in school. I'm not sure what direction I want to be heading but the fact that I'm putting my foot in there feels great. I feel like such an adult lately.
I haven't found a car yet so I'm continuing to walk to work, the grocery store and every where else. Crossing my fingers it happens quite soon because there is nothing like walking 2 miles to work at 5 in the morning because you don't have a ride. I'm also in progress in finally finishing my divorce. That is relieving. While I thought I wanted to keep my last name, for the sake of my child, I'm going back to my maiden name. I need it to keep my individuality and separation from my ex. Even though I don't feel like the same person as I did and my maiden name seems foreign, I'm just going to go through the annoying process of getting it back.
As for my career, I'm hoping to find something wonderful for me in the near future. A job where I can progress. I'm also hoping to open up my social circle so much more now that a car is almost in my grasp.
If this were years back, you'd find a complaining little girl speaking to you. Now, you're reading the words of a woman who has taken responsibility for her choices & accepts her reality. I cannot wait to see the woman you speak to next year. Someone even more driven who has accomplish a lot more goals than she has now.
So, I just wanted to update you guys to let you know that I'm growing even more as a person. Damn, it feels great!
Hello from the past, future lady. You have been so strong and I'm so proud of you! Thank you for making me a better person ;)
PS. I am Instagram again if you feel like following along.
The truth about love is that it doesn't come easy. You already know that. The phrase is cliche but it never hit home until recently. Relationships need to be taken care of. Sacrifices need to be made. You are no longer just an individual but a pair of individuals that have to work & be together to make things go as smoothly as possible. Especially if you're polar opposites like Mike and I. Clashing personalities have to work especially hard to be together. These past, almost two years, have been so enlightening. It still blows my mind that we're almost 30 & we were barely legal adults when we met. Our first encounter set the tone for our future relationship, I think. We both stared at each other and instead of love at first sight, our first thought was, “Who the *bleep* is he/she staring at?” Maybe it was just our way of fighting an attraction to each other? Not even a sexual attraction but I was immediately drawn to this person, whether I liked it or not.
Our relationship has been rewarding but full of hurdles in the earlier phases. Coming from two different places of mental development was kind of hard. We both expected different things from each other & assumed it would just be handed to us because we loved each other. Blinded by love as they say. Thankfully, I really believe we are at a great point in our relationship. We will always be developing & growing, because we can’t flourish if we stay still. To say I love everything about him would be a lie. Of course, I don’t. But I do accept everything he is enough to love him in his entirety & vice versa. I appreciate his entire being. It makes up the person I love today. Life is absolutely not a fairytale & it truly bothers me when people say they are living a fairytale. You cannot live a fairytale because fairytales are just stories. It takes a younger person years to figure this out so I can’t really bash them or give them a side eye. People are just young. I think it’s my responsibility, as a blogger & an adult, to make sure younger generations get bigger picture when it comes to relationships. I love my boyfriend (goodness, I hate that word) & he loves me. Please remember that there might be plenty of fish in the sea but you’re not going to meet them all. When you run into the one person you really enjoy being around, who brings out the best in you, who inspires you & you’re chemistry is undeniable, stick with them. The grass is not greener on the other side. It is greener where you water it. Just because you get into a fight, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t be together. It probably means you guys need to work on your communication. You’re not going to have a good relationship without good communication. If you have trouble, go see a professional who can help you guys work on discovering how to speak to one another. Because when you really want something to work, you have to put effort in and know things worth having will not be handed to you on a silver platter. If you want to deserve the outcome, put some muscle into it. I promise you, all that hard work with give you something you can be proud of & something so special. A relationship without regrets. Without what ifs. You won’t have to let that person go because you assumed it should come easy. You’re lucky enough to have them in your life because you aggressively fought to keep them there. I’m so lucky to roll over every morning to see Mike is still in my life. That he still loves me, even if we had an argument the night before. That even though he was mad at me when he fell asleep, I woke up to find his arms around me when I woke up.
I hope this doesn't come off as an "Oh MY GOSH, this relationship is so hard and I have to fight to the death to stay with this guy!" Because it really wasn't what I was trying to say. *Note, sometimes I want to pull his ears because he can get on my nerves but most of the time I'm smothering him with kisses. He doesn't mind :)* I just wanted to point out that it takes a lot of hard work to have a long term, committed relationship. The best things in life aren't free after all! I hope I really didn't come off as negative Nancy here! <3
So, if you don't know yet, there is a Youtube meme called Harlem Shake. If you haven't seen any Harlem Shake videos, feel free to learn more here. After you've read that, browsed dozens of Youtube videos & finally remember why you started watching them in the first place (because of me), come back to my blog. If you do know what it is, I present to you the BF & I's own Harlem Shake meme. Please forgive the horrible webcam video quality. If I would have known he wanted to post this online, I would have done something much cooler. Instead, you get this hot mess:
I know! I'm so confused as well! Hahaha! Okay, okay. You can go wash your eyes out now ;)