Something different

I think the above gif gives a mighty accurate description on how I'm feeling on my day off. Let me tell you! At my job, we are going through a scheduling nightmare! They've decided to implement a new system and it's turned out to be not so good. I was at work until 1am this morning, on a Sunday. My body is aching but I'm alive! Why am I working in retail during these nasty holidays? Oh damn. That's right. I must remind myself that I'm doing this to pay bills! You ever just want to throw your hands up, walk out and scream, "I'M OUT THIS BITCH!" That's me. Everyday. Well, obviously those are just daydreams. I continue on while secretly thinking that, knowing it will never happen because I'm just not that kind of girl.

Anyway, here I am on my day off doing what I always do. Find the coolest crap on the internet. Spending hours on Pinterest and Youtube. 

+ First thing is first. You should ALL be ashamed of yourselves for not exposing me to Messy Nessy Chic. I forgive you now if this will be your first time on the site & you can thank me later when you're done reading. Obsession ACTIVATED. 

+ I'm not sure if any of you know but I'm a foodie. When my sister lived here, we were going to start our own foodie blog but alas, she had to move off to Hawaii with her family. Oh my goodness! Ding ding ding! Blog idea!!! Combo foodie blog from afar! I'll write that one down in my blogspiration book. Okay, back to what I was saying. Food. I love food. Which is why I fell in love with Seonkyoung Longest on Youtube. I first stumbled upon her trying to find some ramen recipes and she's my favorite Youtuber now. Food wise anyway. I found her on Facebook, liked her and it turns out she's on this show called Restaurant Express! She's made it into the top 3! And now that we are talking about food, I need to go make some ramen. You can check out her Asian at Home series here.

........

+ I ate too much ramen. This is some bull. I feel like a cow. Anyway, continuing on my list. My main, every day obsession are Tiny Homes. Goodness, don't get me started. If I had my way, my family and I would be living in a home 500sq ft or less. But since I cannot have my way, I shall dream. It all started a few years ago with this documentary, We the Tiny House People. Well, more accurately, it probably started with my interested in living more sustainably but here I am now, obsessing over tiny homes. Anyone, one thing led to another and I spend a good portion of my day off daydreaming or watching videos on small home living. I would prefer an awesome a-frame home or shipping container home but any type would do if I could get the chance. Less cleanup is what I say. I follow a few blogs that feature tiny or unique homes (like this one) and lots of Youtube channels with a tiny/micro home focus but if you have a favorite, PLEASE share! I'm always looking for more to add to my list!

+ Have you seen AndreasChoice's new video? CUTE ways to decorate your old sweaters for the holidays. I'm eager to get paid again so that I can go to the thrift shop & recreate her ideas. 

+ The Friendly Atheist just posted a list of his top atheist books for 2013. I do enjoy the books by the popular atheists but I am so glad to see books not written by them. I'm definitely adding a few to my Christmas wish list. 

I think that's it for today! I've spent too long on this computer so I think it's about time I go and do something around this house. The mountain of laundry in my bedroom cannot clean itself!

From A to Z

                                             My new favorite picture of me. I'll regret not watermarking it.

I am a woman of indecisiveness. For the most part, I have trouble sticking to something and following through. This obviously has caused many problems throughout my life. I've just now (at the ripe age of 28) figured out what I wanted to do as a career. I never knew I wanted to be a mom until I became one. I thought everyone wanted the fairy tale, cliche kind of life so that's what I wanted to. I turned out to be wrong on that one and effed up a few people's lives while I was at it. It happens. Who knows HOW MANY times I've deleted my Myspace/Facebook/Blog/Twitter/IG in my social media timeline. A few of you have been around long enough to know that it's been too many times. 

The point is, every time I feel overwhelmed or misguided, I reset something in my life. Sometimes for the bad (with good intentions) and sometimes for the good. Like today for example, I decided I wanted to be an organizing/clean freak so I literally spent hours trying to find information on how to do this. I mean, people can't POSSIBLY be natural clean freaks, can they? According to my observations, this can be true. I'm not one of those people. I will always try my best but I easily become overwhelmed. 

Since my "reset" of eating healthy and working out, I realized something. I cannot have a life without struggle. I don't want a life without struggle. It's not interesting to me. I am a self-help addict so this only makes sense to me. Every day, I want to battle with myself; to constantly improve myself. I can't just sit around and do nothing. Nothing causes madness in my mind. I always have to be going. My mind always has to be flowing. That's why having brain frog drives me nuts. I can't see! I need to keep going but I can't see/think when I have brain fog. The cure for my brain fog is fitness (unfortunately). Damn that fitness! I hate you! You really are no fun. But, you did help me change my life: Exhibit A (Bigger, sadder me vs. current me), so you win. For now. \

Since I finally discovered what I wanted to do with my career, I've come upon another stumbling block. Okay guys, we're about to go from point A to point Z but this is how my mind works. Stick with it. 

A baby. My little boy keeps asking for a sibling. WHY NOW?! Why must you want one now, son? I'm barely holding on to the reigns in regards to fitness/health, I just decided to be a graphic/web designer (this means college in the near future) & you want me to add a baby on top of all that? Please believe, a baby is very much wanted, which is why this is a dilemma for me. I never wanted to bring a child into the world if we weren't financially ready. I didn't do it for the first one so my plan was not to do it for my second. Could you imagine me working (because in this world I'd have to work), going to school, having a newborn, tending to my family etc, etc? Now, I know people do this. It puts their plans on hold or at least extends them a few years but I'm impatient. I feel like I've just discovered a whole new me on levels I've never even seen. I'm set for adventure, self-discovery! But a newborn? If I wait to long though, their age difference will be too far for my liking. So far, if I were to have a child next year, they would be pretty much 7 years apart. That's not too bad but 8 years seems like the max, in my eyes. 

Why am I even planning? Things NEVER go according to planned in regards to life. And everything always seems to work out. So really, why the heck do I even worry? No, really? Everything always seems to just work out. Somehow. Someway. So who knows! Maybe a baby will come sooner than I want. Maybe it will happen just how I want. Before Mike and I ever got together, we would joke that if he was going to have a baby, it would only be with my clone (since he couldn't really do anything with me at the time). And I always thought it would make sense to be the mother of my best friends baby. Well look at us now. He doesn't have to clone me and I can be my best friends baby mama. Dreams do come true! 

I won't lie. Ain't much changed.

Typical "where my feet have gone" photos.

It's been two months since my last post. I haven't kept up with the blog world and I'm not sure if anyone still even blogs. I restarted my Bloglovin' feed so I'm adding blogs as I go. Within the past two months, not too much has changed. I'm not sure if I've mentioned before but my son just started school. We went to our nine week parent-teacher conference and he is doing wonderfully. To my surprise, the teacher mentioned that he should be doing 1st grade math in no time. I say my surprise because he is his mother's son. I was not the brightest when it came to math and it's never been my favorite subject. With Michael by his side though, I guess I'm shouldn't be too surprised. Michael is a lover of math & science and so is my son. My boys are brain twins. 

I turned 28 in October. I have no fear of turning 30, rather I am looking forward to it. I'm starting to see myself as a fine wine. I get better with age. Plus, I think I look pretty good for my age so what is there to be scared of? Anyway, Happy Birthday to me :)

I quit working out for a month but continued with my healthy eating habits. This month, I'm currently on day 11 of vegetarian month. I naturally gravitate towards vegetables so this has been pretty easy. I'm giving myself an exception on Thanksgiving and following up Thanksgiving dinner with 3 days of raw foods to cleanse my system. I stopped drinking Green Tea for a bit and I regret it. Today I had my first cup and I feel so much more like myself. I can clearly see how a lack of fitness & green tea affect my mental and physical health. I had horrible brain fog, my sex drive was on the verge of collapsing (Not TMI, this is real shit) and I started to dislike myself again. I can't stand running but I never want to feel so low again. I can't believe how much fitness actually enhances my life. Especially my mental health. It blows me away how much I change when I don't work out. Ugh. I don't like working out guys. I'm sure not too many people do but damn do I feel fantastic afterwards. I ran/walked 5 miles today and while I'm sore, I feel strong. I've been having some problems with my knee so my butt has slowly been melting. What a relief it was today to notice my knees were feeling okay to do some squats. 

Speaking of things that affect my life, let's talk about blogging. As much as I try to fight against social media, I've decided to give up. I miss blogging. I don't care how boring my life might be right now. I miss interacting with you guys and reading about your lives. I miss watching you guys grow. I miss getting ideas and encouragement from you guys. I think what scared me the most was that I am most vulnerable on here. I expose the darkest parts of my life. to you guys. KNOWING anyone can read it. I'm not like this in person. I don't just throw out my private thoughts. If anything, I try to keep them inside so nobody see's them, especially my family. I am not a "LOOK AT ME! KNOW EVERYTHING ABOUT ME" kind of girl. I think my personal battle is that I felt that blogging made me a fraud. But it doesn't. If anything, it helps me stay true to myself. I'm honest on here and I don't hide much, if anything. I need to get over this battle I have with me vs social media. I keep coming back and for good reason. Sure there are freaking creeps on here, probably diddling to my pictures, or even worse, but there are creeps everywhere. I can do whatever I can to protect myself and my family but if someone wants to get me bad enough, they will. Do NOT let this pretty face deceive you. I am LATINA. Let me remind the creeps out there that this family has LITERALLY been trained T O K I L L H U M A N B E I N G S. Hooah. Understand? That is not an invitation to my life. Just a promise that we don't play around these parts. 

What else? Oh! Our move to Seattle has been delayed another year. Due to some recent promotions within this household, we've decided it was best to wait another year out. Which I was sad about at first but it's actually kind of nice. I get to go to conventions I would have been missing and I get to spend more time with  my friends and family. I've also decided to finally take the first steps to taking courses at the local college. Michael and I have a set goal of starting our own graphic/web design business. That's it. At the ripe age of 28, I FINALLY know what I want to be when I grow up. It's never too late, is what I say. 

I think the biggest battle for myself recently is the struggle with my job and being comfortable being broke. I work retail so I have a floppy schedule. It interferes with my life, my family life & especially the time that I have with my child. Not only that but I don't make enough money to have too much fun anymore. To buy anything for myself. I have to be honest, I am exhausted. I work hard and really sucks to make just enough to pay the bills. I know that I put myself here. I should have gone to school years ago. I probably should have been more career focused. However, things worked out the way they did so that I could be where I am now. While I'm so happy in all other aspects of my life, my career needs a lot of work. I'm glad that I've finally chosen a path to go down but starting all over blows balls. Big balls. I'm frustrated and over it. I don't want to be broke anymore. I don't want to struggle. You always hear that if you work hard, you'll get what you want. I'm still patiently waiting for that to happen. I know that I'm destined for greatness but the time it's taking me to get there is killing me. *breathe* I hope there are some financial changes in the near future. My family deserves it. I know I am better off then some people and I remind myself of that every day. But still, you know? 

Anyway, thanks for reading this novel. You probably forgot that I was even in your feed or that I existed but I'm just popping in to let you know that I'm still here. I'm still alive and I'm still fighting for a better life for my family and myself :)

PS, just in case you aren't following me on IG, go find me at @heygoodluck

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30 Day Weight Loss/Skinny Fat + other things

Y'all, it has been 2 months since my last post. Are you guys even around anymore? Where has the time gone? I've been incredibly active on Instagram compared to blogging. Today I'm just peaking in to tell you guys what is going on in my life. A few things:

1.) My child has started school. Not only was he thrilled to go, we were excited for him. In this household, all three of us have brains like sponges. To see him jump out of bed and rush us to school really makes me happy. I know most people say "I feel old!" but I really don't. I just feel like a mom.

2.) Job search after 4-5 months has gone kaput. I've decided to not focus on it anymore and focus more on enrolling in school. I'll put in a casual application every now and then but I won't give my hopes on it anymore. Just going to do what I have to to survive until we move. 

3.) I've sold my SLR camera. I know! I can't believe I did it. It's just that I've gotten so busy, I don't have time to lug it around anymore. I was growing apart from it also. Partly because I was tired of using my camera and have been craving a new one for quite some time. Now, I don't feel too much pressure for taking pictures anymore. Probably because I haven't been blogging for some time. I might regret it if I start blogging more frequently but for now, I'm okay with it. 

4.) I saved the best for last. In the past month and a half, I have incorporated fitness and healthy living into my life. Exhibit A: my 30 day results of healthy eating, water drinking running + light squats/abs combo:

I lost no weight and actually gained a pound over these past 30 days. But I've had a lot of fat loss. 2 1/2 inches around my waist, GONE! I've hit so many running goals, I just can't stop. Now, it hasn't been easy at all. I've fallen off the tracks a few times and continue to fall of the tracks (I'm currently jumping back on at the moment) but I don't look down on myself because of it. I'm super proud of myself for continuing. I put myself first and have replaced an hour I would've spent sitting on the sofa with an hour of fitness. Sometimes even less if it's HIIT training. Sometimes just 20 minutes of being hardcore is all you need. 

"Remember that failure is not the opposite of success, it is part of success."

I'm planning to run a 5k pretty soon and as a cross country/Army alum, I obviously can never tell myself I'm unable to do it. I mean, I even got new running shoes so...I think it's getting pretty serious :) My life has changed so much since starting this journey. I feel so much stronger, physically and especially mentally. I feel empowered. I feel 5x happier and my brain fog has almost disappeared. 

I don't think that I could ever go back to the unhealthy life I was living before. Being skinny fat was not fun nor did it feel fun. I didn't like myself. I almost hated my body and some days, I did. Not now. Sure, sometimes I give it the side eye but I always appreciate it's strength. And there is nothing like achieving that hard goal and ending it with a deep, genuine happy cry. 

Besides running, here are a few videos that I've applied to my workout routine:

100 squat challenge <--I've been recovering from a pull and messed up knees so I haven't done it too much recently. You can be sure that I've been patiently waiting to do it again. I saw RESULTS when doing squats and I am seeing what happens when you don't have it in your routine. 

Abs 10 I put my ALL into Chalene's ab routine. I can definitely feel the burn. A friend gave me a 20 minute Turbo Fire demo and I did it today. I was COVERED in sweat by the end. I'm thinking of purchasing it from my friend Kim, who is a Beachbody coach. She also gave me a sample of their pre-workout powder and it's the ONLY pre-workout that I've found effective. I've sampled a lot and this one not only tastes decent, I ran/walked 8 miles immediately afterward. I don't feel the same without it. Btw, this isn't some review. It's just a personal testimony of items I've tried. I'm not getting paid lol. 

Turbo Fire HIITs I am LOVING THIS. 

Dance workouts from KeiraLashae and anything from FitnessBlender 

Most of these are videos I've streamed from my Xbox via the Youtube app and played on my TV. Besides the TurboFire HIITs sample I got from a friend. A few other things that got me through were Fitspo accounts on Instagram (here are a few), my Nike + running app & the MyFitnessPal app when I was counting calories. I'm not counting anymore, just mainly focusing on making my meals nutrient dense & listening to my body. And last but not least, if I DIDN'T have my running band and headphones, this process would have been a bit harder than what it is now. $13 for both at Big Lots! 

Well, it looks like it's almost time to go pick up my son from school! I hope you all are doing fantastic! I'm doing the best I can. I'm genuinely happy. However, I've recently moved on to the 11th Doctor on Dr. Who and I'm still trying to get over it ;) If you're not a Whovian, you're probably confused. In which case, I am sad for you.

Please, do yourself the favor and jump on the Dr. Who bandwagon (Netflix has it waiting for you). You won't regret it. Make it past the third episode and you'll be hooked.

Blogging Thoughts

I spent my day at work thinking about my blog. I even wrote my thoughts down on the notepad in my iPhone. Really, who even uses that anymore? I tried my best to be honest with myself and wrote out the top 10 reasons why I blog. Here is what I came up with: 

1. I appreciate people feeding my ego. If you're writing a personal, lifestyle, fashion or fitness blog, you have to have some narcissism in your reason to blog. If you don't, you're lying to not only yourself but to me as well. I don't like when people lie to me. 

2. I want to show the world how much I love my family and how awesome they are. Because let's face it. I got a divorce. I decided to leave my ex. If anyone felt like a failure, it was myself. Who wants to look like a failure? Who wants to boast about how great their life is after they've made such a huge change, no matter how hard it is? I would. I do. Although, I'm one of the few that has bounced back on top with such a high success rate. I have a great man in my life. I might have a shitty job and the career part of my life sucks the biggest balls ever, but I'm happy and I'm in love. For some reason, I always thought I'd get divorced at least once. Probably because my parents divorced. Kind of makes me worried for my own child. The best example I can provide for him is to show him what it's really like to be in love and in a real relationship. Hopefully, he won't leap for marriage until he has that kind of love because he knows it takes a lot of hard work and isn't easy. I know how lucky I am. To have the little family I have & be as happy as I am. But I know, it took a lot to get to where I am, emotionally. It was a rough damn ride to be able to come terms that I was not a failure because I wasn't happy with my previous life. I'm not a failure anymore. I'm a success. I want to make sure the world knows that I didn't fit the mold & was much happier doing my own thing than following society's rules. 

3. To be an honest voice. To have a place to write my honest thoughts. In a world wide web full of top knots, hipster glasses, link ups, etc, I felt like I needed to be that breath of fresh air for people who love blogging as much as I do. 

4. I'd like to make money. Because I enjoy blogging and my job sucks. If it were possible to make money in the future, why the hell not. Unless, of course, I got a great job and didn't care about chump change income. I guess I'd just like to make money if it could help me pay my bills. 

5. I take too many pictures and want a place to share them. This has been true my entire life. I hate taking great pictures or creating memories & having no one to show them too. I  mean, I could show them on Facebook but what if it's something creative? Bloggers would appreciate a creative picture much more than a 40 year old relative who is just now learning how to use Facebook. 

6. I have no real life friends. Many of my longest known friends have been through online. I have one real life close friend but that's it. Do you know some of the oldest friends I have, I met through the early days of Myspace? They are still my friends to this day. I'm a huge hermit but I also have a lack of friends because I move way too much. Hopefully, when we move to Seattle next year, I'll be able to make some real life friends that plan to stick around. Man, friendship takes a lot of work. 

7. I want to be reassured that even though my life might be plain & boring right now, I'm just as cool as I think I am. Comments and responses reassure me that even though I'm getting older and time is gliding on by, I'm still awesome & young. 

8. Blogging gives me a way to be around my family and friends all at the same time, every single day. Because really, sometimes, we just want to sit around the house all day, not saying a thing and just be in each others presence. What other way can I do that and have hundreds of friends surrounding me at the same time than being active on social networks? 

9. Helps me meet people in my area, whether they want to get to know me or not, that like the same thing I do. Lets face it. I know of four bloggers in my town and we barely, if ever or never, speak to each other. I get excited to hang out with other bloggers & meet new people. I'm slightly offended that nobody wants to do the same but I have to remember that everyone has their own lives, their own friends & their own things going on. 

10. I get to feel like I have my own thing. Something that is mine, that I own and is easily controllable. Easy to mold, easy to reflect who I really am. Something that I have absolute creative control over. I have the power to Good Luck Jenn and I decide its fate. I'm this blog's God. It's kind of neat to be the head honcho. The CEO. 

Here are a few random thoughts I had with my struggles with blogging: 

I am not a full time blogger. I should have no guilt. I should not feel overwhelmed. I should not feel obligated. I don't make money from this. This is not my job. I'm worried about my child's personal safety. Why do I feel like it's okay to expose my child to the public on such a broad scale. Or my family for that matter? For bragging rights? I'm not sure any reason is good enough. 

Also, as much as I'd like to be, I'm just not a good commenter. I have so much stuff that I am doing right now, I simply don't have the time to comment every one. I try my best but I shouldn't feel guilty. I'm broke. I work early hours and I get tired very early. Whatever time I have left is mostly given to my family. Blogging has to come last. But I do read the blogs. So that new page view (that spent 2 minutes+ on your blog) is probably coming from me. I hope you can appreciate that more then a random "YOU LOOK GREAT!" comment that I jotted down because I only got a chance to look at your pictures & not read what you actually wrote. I say I HOPE but who am I kidding? Who doesn't love those damn comments? 

Summertime in Dallas

It's freaking hot. I honestly forgot that the summer had started because I work indoors. I hear Mike always griping about the heat but never pay too much attention. I'm a native Texan so heat doesn't bother me. I grew up near Louisiana & the nasty humidity is what bothers me but not dry, hot heat. I could probably live in the desert even though it would be my last option. It's been in the 90's recently (I'm kind of scared for July) and it's been climbing up. Even though my son says it is "hot like Egypt", we've still been making our rounds outside. We've been venturing out a lot (which you may have seen if you are on my Instagram) & it's been really great! I just started to take my camera out again so imagine my excitement when we drove past a few sunflower fields. Flowers were in FULL effect! On our way back from hiking at Oak Point Park, we pulled off and joined the crowd of people to take a few pictures. 

As someone with Trypophobia, I can barely look at those sunflowers without flenching. But enough about me and my crawling skin. A man noticed we were taking pictures and offered to get one of us together. This is what he got. 

I look weird and tan in all the wrong places but whatever. We have a summer family picture! I'm sure we'll take more but judging from the heat, it might not be with sunflowers again. I mean, look at the flowers on the right. They look like they want to die already! Ha! If you're in the DFW area and want to take pictures before these suckers die, they happen to be in two places off 75 in Allen. I'm still looking for bluebonnet fields. I've heard of a few places and I'm pretty much on a mission to be surrounded by flowers this summer. I've even started making plans for a garden balcony! Anyone have any idea what flowers survive well in the heat? I'd love to know! Hope you guys are having a great summer so far and soaking up some sun! 

I'm Natalie Portman!!

Imagine yourself sitting in a dark corner for years. Tears running down your face. All you can feel is sadness. Your body feels numb. You cry out to try and feel something else besides the  darkness. You feel like you are screaming for help. HELP, PLEASE HELP ME! SOMEBODY SAVE ME! I'M SO TIRED! I DON'T WANT TO BE SAD ANYMORE. But nobody comes. Everybody else is too busy to help and even if they stopped and ask what's wrong, they would be lost. They wouldn't know how to help you. Besides, this isn't the first time you've asked for help. It's probably the 100th time, if anything. So you keep crying. You keep waiting for a force of life to be thrown back into your tired soul. Your body becomes cripple and you crumble up into the fetal position. You're ready to die. You're waiting to die. You want to die. And before your nose hits the ground, before that last tear falls from your face....before you spread your arms out and let your body float gently into the air, you feel something. 

Suddenly, you feel the hardest slap on your face. Your body feels like it's been hit by a lightening bolt. You start to feel the blood rushing through your veins. You get excited because that jolt of life has finally come to save you. You feel the coolness of the tears drying up on your cheekbone. You can see the light outside and it seems so much brighter than it was before. You can hear a giggle in the background as your child laughs at his favorite tv show. You hear your inner voice scream at you to GET UP! THIS IS YOUR ONLY LIFE!!

Then it hits you. Your body starts to jerk. You want to vomit. You can feel every single ache in your body. It feels like someone just beat you up, continuously, for years. It hurts. It really hurts. You run to the bathroom & grab medicine from the cabinet. The texture of the bottle feels so smooth in your hands. You pop those two ibuprofen pills in your mouth. They are tasteless. Your body feels sore but rejuvenated. You don't want to lay down in that bed anymore. Your nerves are jittered and the last thing you want to do is relax. So you step outside. The heat blasts on your face. It stinks outside. It's disgustingly humid as if it's going to rain. You don't even care. You just stand there for what seems like hours.

You were right. It's going to rain. It does rain. At first the rain dribbles down. You hold your hand out and feel the drops slide down your palm. You stare at them. They are so translucent and you're in awe of every movement it makes. Your feet are cold but as the rain falls harder, you start to feel cleansed. Cleansed of every tear, of every drop of sadness that ever entered your body. You feel filthy at first. Covered in remorse and sadness. You want to scrape it off of you but you're enjoying the moment so much you stand still. 

The wind starts to blow and the rain falls a bit harder. It's raining too hard, you think to yourself. Once again, you don't care. You take in every shiver, every annoyance. By this time your hair and body are completely soaked. 

BAMMMMM!!!!!!!!!!

Your body shakes from the sound! Tingles run through your body and you can feel yourself shake. Lightening! Thunder! Oh my goodness! You feel them rip right through you!!! You start to giggle with nervous laughter. A laugh! Oh my goodness! You laugh harder because you haven't heard yourself laugh in such a long time. It sounds gloriously loud...and annoying...and really beautiful. It sounds just like you. So you just keep laughing. Your face starts to hurt because you're smiling. You haven't smiled in so long. All these emotions start to take over your body. You don't know what to do with them so you start to jump up in down, holding out your arms, taking in the downpour.

I'm Natalie Portman!!!!!!, you think to yourself while visualizing her scene from V for Vendetta.

You can't help yourself anymore. You feel so alive! You can feel every single touch, every thought, every sound. You feel like you're on drugs. Everything went from 480p to 1080p in a matter of minutes!!!!! This is WHAT YOU'VE BEEN WAITING FOR!!! THIS IS IT!!!! THIS IS THE MOMENT YOUR LIFE CHANGED!!!!!!

You scream out loud! You want the whole world to hear your happiness!!!!

"I'm NATALIE PORTMAN!!!!!!!! I'M NATALIE PORTMAN!!!!!!!!!!!"

*******

This is the day I got out of my depression. 

This is the day that atheism saved my life.

I've never talked about this day to anyone. I've always kept it a memorable day that I could relive with just myself. It was the day that I admitted to myself what I believed. While in that corner, with tears down my face. In that admittance, I came to a realization that this was truly my one and only life. My child needed me. My family needed me. I needed myself. 

Ever since then, I feel like everything I feel, see, touch or hear is enhanced. I cry more often, not because of sadness, but because I'm so happy to be alive and experience all those things no matter how big or little they may be. Sure, every once in awhile, I start to feel sadness creep up but the moment it starts to attach itself to me, I feel my body fight it. I feel my body laugh at it. "I DONT HAVE TIME TO BE SAD! I COULD DIE TOMORROW!" my mind says as it slaps the feeling away. 

This is my only life. I'm so grateful and forever thankful to be here. I truly feel that now. I do live life to the fullest. I love harder than I've ever loved. I live deeper than I've ever lived. I truly feel alive. 

I'm so happy.

Happiness = Family Time

I've felt like my emotional/mental health has been getting a bit better lately. I couldn't quite but my finger on why. I'm poor. I'm struggling almost every day, especially for childcare. My hours at work suck and I can barely make a wage & it's never a living wage. My son hasn't seen his father yet for the summer and I've been bummed about it. I really want him to go. Their relationship is so important to me. Just patiently waiting on that. Among other things, every day just seems to be a fight with the world. 

I was in the middle of reading The Happiness Project when I just had to stop and talk to Mike. 

"Baby, I don't know what it is but I feel really happy lately. I mean our struggles have seemed to increase more than ever and I have never been so happy."

He agreed. Something had changed in us. Our stress levels had died down. We were more lovey dovey to each other than we had ever been. It's nice to have someone tell you "I feel so in love with you today. It's stalkerish." I found myself not wanting to tie myself up in distractions and actually feel like I was spending genuine quality, uninterrupted time with my baby boy, with my family. What the heck was it? 

The only thing that changed was Mike's schedule. His days off ended up being my days off. That was so stressful when thinking about childcare. Every week I already struggle with finding weekend care and to add another two days was bleh! But every week we somehow managed and got to spend a few days together in the process. After months and months of not having a day off together, we've been spending two full days together. Do you KNOW how wonderful that feels? I even mentioned it to him that I've been feeling great the past few weeks that he's had the same days off. Spending time together, as family, is the stress reliever we needed. I'm starting to think that paying an extra amount of money for childcare or getting a second job to work in the morning will be key to maintaining our family time. It's just so necessary!

I could go on and on about how happy I feel lately but I don't want to keep repeating myself :)

Texas Style Council Conference 2013

Let me just say that I have high hopes for #TXSC13 this year. The Texas Style Council Conference is based in Austin, Texas and started by Indiana Adams of Adored Austin. I went last year when its focus was fashion bloggers. So thankful that this year, they have decided to expand out beyond fashion blogging. I am no fashion blogger by any means. I have no money to care but boy, oh boy, do I wish I had money to spare to get together some awesome outfits. I didn't really plan too far ahead, so a lot of my outfits were thrown together. This time, I plan to plan ahead. I've already got ideas for my business card this year & want to revamp my blog design before I head out. I've already planned to stay at a hostel. I've had this dream to travel the world and stay at hostels worldwide but this is as far as I can get for now :) I have an idea of which hostel I want to stay in so let's hope they have some availability by time I get there. 

Let me discuss my experience last year. I went with my real life friend, Jessica, to TxSC12. I'm not really sure if she gained a lot of experience but I felt incredibly bored. Maybe it's because I wasn't a fashion blogger. Or because I've been blogging so long I felt like things were incredibly repetitive. Some of the panelist put me to sleep. There's only so many times you can hear "Just be yourself" over and over. Or so many nervous giggles. I'm not sure if some of the panelists were just there for fun (some were sponsored travel wise) but I didn't think I got my money's worth. I did learn from a few panelists though; the ones I learned from were not bloggers. I really enjoyed hearing Kendi speak as the Keynote speaker. I met a few fashion bloggers that I admired, though most were in their own bubble or were social introverts. No hate to social introverts! I am one myself. As a matter of fact, I was socially awkward the entire event! I felt bad for Jessica! I probably dragged her excitement down! Either way, we did have some fun & I DID speak to a few new people! Like Emily, who lives in the DFW area along side me. What I realized at the last conference were two things: I have a strong desire to learn more regarding blogging & it's actually important to have real life blogging friends to drive each other to blog well. 

I didn't have a great time at the last conference, why would I want to go back? Wait! I did enjoy my time there! I didn't learn too much but I had a great time anyway. It was thrilling to see so many people excited about blogging as I was (even though they were fashion bloggers). It was so fun to relate & meet others (when I did speak). It was exciting to dress up and I also won some dresses from Lulus.com that I hope to wear this year to the "Prom". I mean, when is the last time you really dressed up? What I'm most excited about is that the conference set up has changed. Not into panels but workshops. I'm pumped about learning more; I am so excited to meet people. I love people. I've been such an extrovert socially this year. A new me. I've re-branded my blog and I feel like it fits me so well. GoodLuckJenn is here to stay. I write what I want to write. And honestly, I love Austin. I am so excited to go back. I'm trying to tempt my boyfriend to come with me as the +1 to our "prom". I really think he'd enjoy it. I want him to see what blogging (& vlogging) has to offer. If only he blogged frequently because you guys are missing out on his personality. If you are going, I truly hope to see you and I hope we can connect before we get there. On the right is my link to twitter so feel free to stop by and say hello!

Perspective

I wanted to punch him. We were arguing over what we were going to do if we won the Powerball. I immediately wanted to go on vacation and relax and he wanted to leave this "hell hole" (he means Texas) and move to Washington immediately to find a home. 

"Um, if we had 600 million dollars, we would be living in San Francisco. Where we wanted to live." I said.

"Why wouldn't we stay in Seattle?" He asked.

"Because Seattle was just the middle ground we came up with because we can't afford to live in San Francisco in the first place!"

"Blah blah blah. Blah Blah Blah Blah" <--- Whatever we said over the next few minutes. I can't remember for the life of me. 

"And in 5 minutes, that would be how we break up." He grouched.

There is a problem with this scenario though. Powerball had already been announced and we had been arguing over fake money we knew we already didn't win. I just wanted to tell him to F*CK OFF!!!!! but I didn't. I just told him he was being dumb and went on my way. We were so annoyed with each other that we slept in separate rooms.

The next morning, I went to work. Gave them both a kiss on the forehead before I left. Work was bleh. Tuesdays are my favorite work days because I get off early. This was the Tuesday after the Monroe tornadoes so we were expecting a storm. It was time for me to get off so I called Mike to see if we needed anything for dinner. He answered the phone out of breath.

When I asked him if I should get anything to take home, he said, "How can you talk so calm when it's crazy outside."

I walked towards the front door and couldn't see anything but gray. It was raining so hard that you couldn't even see the cars in the parking lot. I heard Mike then say, " OH MY GOD! The roof is coming off!!" I didn't hear anything for a few more seconds. My mind was quite jumbled. What the hell was going on over there? I asked if they were alright and he said they were fine & to JUST STAY WHERE YOU ARE!

All I could piece together in my head was that it was storming really bad outside, there might a tornado coming, my boys were safe in some building & I needed to stay at work because it was too scary to drive.

I walked with a co-worked towards the fitting rooms. The lights went out. Children were screaming and crying but I knew that, even though I was off the clock, I had to go get a flashlight. My heart was racing because it had never been so black in the store before & I was quite scared. I just wanted to go home with my boys. If I was going to die today, I didn't want to be two miles away from them when it happened.

The lights quickly came back on and I walked quickly to the front door to wait for my chance to leave. The rain had softened. By softened I mean that I could use the fastest windshield wiper setting & drive. I ran out the store and headed home. The roads were starting to flood which isn't good for my little car. By the time I got to our major intersection, the lights were out and there were trees all over the road. It was chaos as people were trying to get home.

When I finally got home, Mike told me what had happened. He had walked outside to view the clouds & noticed they looked a bit funny. Then, all of a sudden, it started raining really hard. The apartment started shaking so they went into the bathtub with a blanket. My son looked at Michael and said, "I'm scared." That's when Mike noticed the toilet water swishing and thought LETS GET THE F*CK OUT OF HERE! (Did I mention we lived on the top floor of our apartment building?)

He pulled Xavier out of the tub, wrapped him in a blanket and ran outside & down the stairs. It was storming so hard he couldn't see that great but he saw shingles flying off the roof & trees getting blown all over the place. Did I mention that he forgot to lock the door and didn't even put on shoes? He just jetted it out of that place and headed towards the office. The ladies let him and Xavier in and they watched the news and hoped that I would be okay. All while I was frantically trying to get home. I didn't want anything to happen to my boys & I knew they were both scared. I even prepared my mind mentally to literally go in to hulk mode if a tornado picked up my car and slammed it to the ground. Hulk mode guys. Like I was some super human.

JUST STAY ALIVE, I kept telling myself.

I'm so glad I got home in time because it started to rain crazy once again outside. We spent 45 minutes in that office until the rain FINALLY died down. When we got the chance to return home, we snuggled up in silence in our own apartment. All I could do was reflect on how much my family meant to me. How much I truly loved them. How devastated I was for the people of Monroe. Those poor people lost everything. And Mike and I both ended up agreeing how very stupid that argument was over theoretical Powerball money.

10 Steps to Breeding & Raising Adorable Spawns

I like to think that I am the master of breeding adorable children. Sure, I've only tested this method once but it has been proven to work!! However, I do not guarantee these results (as the method has only had one success so far) so I hold no responsibility for your outcome. 

Steps To Breeding And Raising An Adorable Spawn

STEP ONE: Want a child. This is the most important of all the steps. If you do not start out desiring a child at that moment you make this decision, your emotions might conflict with the breeding process. If you are not ready for your heart to be walking outside of your body for 18+ years, I strongly advise using some sort of protection.

STEP TWO: Choose a donor. Donor does not even need to have a face. Make sure donor provides qualities that would enhance the ones you are providing as well. The spawnling MUST be adorable. If Donor is an apparent asshole, please NOTE that the possibility for your child to be half asshole is pretty high. Please study the donor very carefully. Minimum time spent on this part of the project should be no less than 6 months.  (Those that are using donor banks are excluded from the time process minimum.) Make sure your investigation is incredibly thorough.

STEP THREE: Engage in sexual activities with chosen spawn donor or insert turkey baster. As a divorced woman, this is quite uncomfortable for me to recap but it's an important step. It needs no explanation.

STEP FOUR: Have a happy pregnancy & BE EXCITED. This is also a crucial step to the beginning of this process. Your little spawn will feel the energy you are feeling. If you are stressed, they will be stressed. If you are happy, THEY will be happy. Feed your baby delicious, nutritious food. Studies have shown that what you eat while baby is in the womb probably directly reflect their eating habits outside of the womb. Put away those potato chips!

STEP FIVE: After the child's birth, provide annoying amounts of love to the child. Don't kiss the child until they can't breath! Don't be psycho! At least let them gasp for air!!! Throw in some hugs while you're at it. Make sure that child KNOWS how much you love them. Your actions & words make the biggest impact on your children. I thoroughly believe how children act is a direct reflection of how you raise them & what kind of environment they are in.

STEP SIX: It's time to get that baby genius started early. HELLO! If people in other countries get their children playing the piano by the age of three, we have no excuse. Sure, let them be children to some extent but do you know that between the ages of 0-7, their brains are like a SPONGE? Did you see that family who home schooled & their children were in college by 12? At first you might think...ain't nobody got time fo dat! But damn! The sooner they are to getting a degree, the sooner you can stop paying for them & MAYBE they can pay for you! Shoot. That is motivation enough for me! Baby books? Let's try Encyclopedias instead.

STEP SEVEN: Culture your child. There is nothing adorable about a child eating chicken tenders. All children like chicken tenders. But a child that eats sushi? That's adorable. That's cool, your baby knows a few words in Spanish thanks to Dora? My child can point out Spain on a map. You see where I'm getting with this? Pull your child outside of the box. Don't just teach them kiddie things. Help them realize how big and awesome the world can be! I mean, if they ask legitimate whats and whys, you answer them to the best of your ability!

STEP EIGHT: Be hard working & respectful. What the hell does this have to do with having an adorable child?! I will tell you. You don't want a spoiled brat! You know those kids that start screaming in the store & the mom keeps shopping? Woman! Toys are not a necessity! Get your damn child out of this section. What the hell are you shopping for while your child is screaming his lungs off? Throw that kid over your shoulder, walk straight out that door & back into your car. You let that spawn know that they can't be actin' a fool in public because they can't get their way. It's disrespectful. You know what you just did? You led by example. Be hardworking? Yes. Get off your ass & do something. Don't be a complainer, be a doer. You are your child's original role model. Would you rather him complain or just do? Or ask for help? Your choice, your offspring. But if you want that baby to be adorable, nothing's more impressive than seeing a child clean up after its own mess. Right?

STEP NINE: Bleep this. By now, your child should be adorable, loving, cultured and responsible. You don't need another step. You should already have a cute freaking child. I'm sure you've already taken thousands of pictures as proof because you're so damn impressed with your results. But if you must have the tenth step...

STEP TEN:  Lather, rinse and repeat. Make sure you bathe because all this hard work will make you sweat. It's not easy to raise a cute kid. You had to put some effort into this! Pat yourself on the bath and let Calgon take you away.

I know I missed a few steps that probably could have been added but dang! I can only give you 10! I'm not your mama! I ain't about to give you ALL of my secrets!

This was actually suppose to be Day 2 of the Blog Every Day in May but I'm just going to have to make it for Day 6. So here is my What I Do entry. I breed beautiful kids. Yes, kids. I know these steps will help my next child. Whenever that may be.

My Life in 250 Words

I was born in the Dallas-Fort Worth area, long ago in the 80's, the eldest of three. Born of Mexican-Hungarian-Straight European decent. My parents divorced when I was young. I took responsibility for my siblings on the daily basis, which explains why I felt so old but was so young. My aunt use to say I was a 40 year old stuck in a 15 year old's body. Old soul. I loved (still love) learning. Had a college reading level by 5th grade. Reading & writing were always my niche. In high school, band, color guard, Model UN & learning dual languages were my focus. I graduated & went to the Army. My best friend died a few days before I came home from basic. I found out when I got off the plane. Stayed in the Army for 6 years & got out for religious reasons. I am ironically now an atheist. I married, had a child, divorced. Lived in Alaska & I fell in love with that area. Started blogging & taking photography a bit more seriously. Moved back to Texas at some point. Should've gone to school but it's never too late for that. Got my license last year & now own my first car :) I'm currently trying to rediscover myself and provide a better life for my family (me, my boyfriend & my wonderful son). Starting over at a later age has been quite hard but a worthwhile journey. I feel so empowered and thankful. BAZINGA!

I really don't like link-up's because I find most of them cheesy and a waste of time & space on my blog. However, I do like Jenni's particular link up so, every day in May, I'll be writing a post & joining up. Want to join?

It's the only thing I can do half right

I'm much cooler when I don't speak

Sometimes we make videos. Who am I kidding? We make videos all of the time. I can't even begin to count the videos that are currently on my computer. I'm starting to think we should upgrade to an HD camera to get clearer videos of our ridiculousness. Really, I'm much cooler when I don't speak. Is that sad? Yes. Whatever. Before you start the video, make sure you change the settings to the highest quality. I don't want your eyes to burn if you view this webcam video in 240 or whatever. I also tried to vlog but that crap wasn't cool. But, I mean, if you want to see me makeup-less and say UMMM a dozen times, check me out hereeee. I can't believe I uploaded a video of me without makeup in the crappiest lighting. I've got balls, bro. BIG ONES!! And if you missed my lovely man and I doing the Harlem Shake, do not be saddened!!! You may find our dual ridiculousness by clicking here.

Some of my best memories

Two years ago, I moved from Alaska back to Texas. My sister and I took a complete road trip from Seattle to Dallas. It is one of the highlighted moments of my life. Something I'll never forget. I swore I would write a huge blog post describing the trip. I tried and failed. I just didn't want to. I feel like the pictures do the job for me. On this trip, I confirmed to myself that I am a mountain girl. I just adore the mountains. North Texas, I love you but my heart belongs in the mountains :)

Mt. Shasta in California

My sister finding one of many condoms we would find on our drive home.

San Francisco, California

The Golden Gate bridge was one of the most beautiful, majestic structures I have ever seen. I will never, ever forget the moment we drove underneath that bridge. The feeling that overcame me was indescribable. Was the exact same feeling I had when seeing mountains & the Northern Lights for the first time. The previous day, we were driving through Sacramento & my sister and I decided to make a detour out of the way to see the city we had always wanted to see. Was THE BEST decision we made on that entire trip.

China Town in Los Angeles

Eating real Ramen at Orochon Ramen in Little Tokyo, LA

Somewhere in Arizona. One of my favorite photos from the trip. After we hit Arizona, we visited my sisters in-laws. From there, I really stopped taking pictures with my camera & more with my phone. It was nothing but desert anyway until we got to Wichita Falls, Tx. 

Overall: B E S T T R I P E V E R

Today's reality

When I become overwhelmed, I feel like it's an outer body experience. So much energy & emotion shoots through my body that it becomes uncontrollable. Years ago, I would just sit on my bed and cry. Cry and cry until it all came out. These days, I'm very in touch with my emotions. I know how to control them. I know what to do when I feel out of control. I breathe. 

A lot of times I go into my closet, turn off the light and lay there. I concentrate on my breathing the entire time. If I'm cold, I'll cover up but I will stay in that closet, in the dark. It lasts about 20-30 minutes but it helps so much. I honestly think I need to do it at least once a week, in the early morning if possible. Or even every morning to start off my day. I wonder if what I do is meditation? I've never even thought about that until now. 

One time, I did something different. I got overwhelmed but for reasons a woman just can't control ;) So I drove. I listened to the radio & I drove. I stumbled across a graveyard. I hadn't been to a graveyard in almost 10 years. I entered the area and felt a sudden sense of calm. I spent the next 30 minutes walking around and thinking about all the people down below and what kind of lives they must have led. What they might tell a person like me who was trying to find peace among the dead. 

"Be grateful for the life you have now. It's the only one you'll ever get. Be happy."

That was the voice that overcame me. It wasn't anyone elses voice speaking to me. It was my own. As I looked at my feet, I imagined the many souls that lay around me. There must be hundreds. Hundreds of cold, whittled bodies lay under me that once lived promising and bountiful lives or maybe even dreadful lives. Whatever the case, it sent me into a calm, comforting place within myself. 

It was something I needed. 

The past few months, my job situation has not been great. I work in retail & it's hard enough to find childcare as it is. I've felt so much pressure to give more of myself & my time then ever before. I've given all that I possibly can & it's caused an unbalanced shift in my life. All my time for mere dollars? It seems so cruel to work such crazy hours & make for two weeks what some people make in a few days. But I did what I had to do in order to pay keep a roof over our head, food in our bellies and the bills paid. At least I had a job, I would tell myself. Then the hours at the store started to get cut. And here I am, off more than I usually am & angry. I am angry I allowed myself to settle for this when I know I am so valuable. I made a resume & have been consistently applying for jobs. In a few months, my child will be going to school & I'll be damned if I don't try my hardest to get a job that will allow me to see him when he gets out. Where I don't have to send him off on weekends to family because I can't afford a babysitter that weekend. Where I don't have to work nights most days of the week. I've had a few interviews and are looking forward to more until someone can see the capabilities in me & decide to take the chance. I already enrolled in school & I'm hoping to take some classes when my son is away on vacation this summer. Not hoping, I AM going to take classes. I have no choice but to better myself to help get myself and my family out of this life that we don't really want. 

I will always be grateful for my job but I cannot afford to work there anymore. As a libra, if my balance is shifted and I don't have any family time, I am completely thrown off. I am a sign of balance and that couldn't be more true. 

When you throw me out of whack, I'll get all Mommy Dearest on you. We don't want that now, do we? Because personally, I like nice, loving Jennifer. I don't want to hiss at everyone I come into contact with because I think they are out to hurt me. It's too much energy & emotion to give out & quite frankly, I'd rather give my time & energy to my family & myself. Be mad? Ain't nobody got time fo dat!