After a lifelong struggle to avoid putting a religious label on myself, today I've come to realize that I am an Atheist. Just because I hope that God is real & I know in my heart that he isn't, still means I'm an atheist. While driving to pick up my boyfriend from work, I started thinking about mental illnesses in the biblical time period. That all led up to asking myself if I really was deist, like I claim to be.
So I looked up the literal term of atheism: a person who denies or disbelieves the existence of a supreme being or beings. Damn it. I do believe in the natural flow of the universe but I don't believe in an actual being or deity. Hard to explain but God, in my terms, is everything in the universe. Oh man, I'm an atheist. Agnostic but atheist none the less. I had been fighting it my entire life. I spent years searching & joining different religions in hopes that one of them had the absolute truth; that one of them made actual sense. None ever did. I always had my doubts or didn't agree with some things that religion represented. "Naw, I'm not an atheist," I'd say. Something is out there watching over me. I refused to take responsibility for my own life & hoped something out there could do it for me.
It never did. Every time something happened that I prayed for with all of my being, it was because of me.
I've spent years guarded by religion and beliefs. I spent many years intentionally misunderstanding atheism. The only atheist I knew scoffed at religion. Made me think all atheists were assholes. The older I got, the more atheists I met & they were not evil. They were sweet, understanding people. Which was great because I've always thought religion could be beautiful & they agreed with me.
After this reflective discovery, I started thinking about being an atheist mom. I've always told myself that I'd present all facts (unbiased) to my child if he ever asked me about religion. Recently, my little sister claimed she was a Christian and that we were all Christians. I politely corrected her and said that I was not a Christian because I did not believe in God. My son asked me what that was & I explained to him in the best way that I could. All he said was, "Well that's not me. I don't believe that." And he's absolutely right. He is too young to worry about that stuff, in my opinion. Before he makes any decisions, he likes to be thoroughly informed. He's a smart kid & he knows it. He might play video games & watch Johnny Test but he loves to learn. He takes every opportunity he can to ask us questions. No exaggeration on that. When the religion topic comes up again, I'll be excited to discuss things with him. For now, all he asks about is space.
This is not to say I am not spiritual. I have such a connection with myself & the earth that it sometimes blows me away. When I die, I plan to donate all of my good organs to science (or someone who needs it) & have the rest of my remains be cremated & put back into the earth. That or put in a bio-degradable casket or just straight into the ground sans casket. I absolutely love to mediate. I love being at peace with myself and the world around me. It's a blessing to be alive. I also feel like I have all of this emotion because I don't believe in an actual afterlife. I appreciate the here and now with great intensity.
Here I am guys. I feel more relaxed with myself because of this. Dare I even say that I actually feel love for myself because of this epiphany? Because I absolutely do. So please, if you think atheists are bad people or evil, look atheism up. It's been given such a bad rep, much like modern feminism, vegans, environmentalists or anything else progressive & non-traditional.
So if you don't have an atheist in your life, you do now. An atheist mom from Texas.
Labels: honest post
Where do I even begin? Did I tell you guys that my boyfriend sleeps as hard as a rock? Or that he sleep walks & sleep talks as well? I've never experienced this with anyone else until I got with him. One time he got up to make coffee & didn't even realize it. Sometimes, he turns into a straight dick head. That's the only time I know for sure he's sleep talking because he doesn't act like that in real life. He's affectionate to me. One time, I woke up at 2 in the morning (I'm a light sleeper) to find our toilet overflowing. I yelled and yelled at him to wake up and help me clean it & he woke up being a jerk & fell right back to sleep. So I spent the next two hours running back and forth to CVS, on foot while it was drizzling trying to clean the mess up. Thank GOODNESS it was only water but it was up to my ankles. The next morning, Mike woke up to find our bathtub filled with wet towels and signs that something happened last night. He felt absolutely horrible. I mean, wouldn't that be horrible to wake up & find your woman had been under so much stress & you didn't help her at all?
I was still mad at him, don't get me wrong. I always secretly think that it's his alter ego I'm speaking to while he's sleep walking/talking. That he really means what he says. Of course, I know better but someone has to be blamed for the way I felt! I mean, it's not like I was dreaming! ;)
Anyway, he has a history of this. Sleepwalking & sleeping hard as a rock. He always says that if someone breaks into our room he would hear it. I always laugh. I know darn well that if someone tried to break into our window while he was sleeping, I'd be the one that had to take action! But I love his wishful thinking.
So let me tell you about last Saturday. Saturday nights, I sometimes stay really late for work. This particular day I went into work at 3 pm & didn't get out until 12:45 am. Well, when I showed up at home the door was locked. Which wouldn't have been a big deal if I hadn't given Mike my house key earlier. No big deal, he'll open the door. He didn't. He was dead asleep & probably on the couch. And as someone who knows her boyfriends sleep cycles, the next time to wake him up was going to be a few another few hours. And yes, he probably had a few beers. It was Saturday night after all. So he was knocked the heck out. I pounded and yelled for about 5 minutes before I gave up. I didn't want to wake the neighbors. So I went to my car and sat in the rain, while playing with my phone. I went up and tried one more time with that one failing as well. I ended up running across the street to CVS (because I was too tired to go to Walmart) and grabbing a few throw blankets and a pillow. Surprisingly, they were really comfortable. If it hadn't of gotten colder that night, I probably could have stayed asleep the whole night. Since you aren't suppose to sleep with the heater on though, I couldn't help but feel the gradual chill brushing up against my feet.
I finally got up & decided to try again. It was 5 am and about the time his sleep cycle would lighten up. Knocked on the door, which finally opened. Went straight into my room, took off my clothes and fell asleep. Didn't say one word to him. He already knew he did wrong, which was why he didn't sleep with me that night. He slept on the couch, willingly. Ha!
The next morning he found out that it was 5 am when he opened the door. He felt like a fool, once again. And let me tell you guys, this isn't the first time this has happened! This is about the second time I've been locked out of the house. The first time, I actually spent the night at my Dad's around the corner & went home around 6am. I know there might be another night that this might happen so I'm planning to put an emergency kit in my car containing:
*my new favorite throw pillow
*my throw blankets to block the windows
Do you guys live with someone who sucks at sleeping? Pretty sure there will be plenty more stories in the future all due to Mike's sleep walking. He's also starting to rub off on me! The other night, I thought I was in a super secret agent dream where my boss texted me that Mike was there to kill me. You know, Mr. & Mrs. Smith style. I apparently was still sleeping & he asked to use my phone (in real life). My first instinct was to grab my phone and delete all my super secret agent texts! In real life, it looked fishy as hell. I was terribly embarrassed the morning I woke up & remembered! So now, I kind of know how he feels! But at least I don't lock him out of the house, while it's raining to sleep in the car, freezing for hours!
We've got a car!!! Oh my goodness! Can I express to you how excited I am about this? Okay. So much time and money is going to be saved by having this vehicle. Actually, I guess not really money. I mean, I do have to make monthly payments on it. However, let me just tell you how thankful I am for the local dealership that took a chance on me in order to get this vehicle. The local FORD dealership has a credit repair program. While I have little credit history (all of it dating back to when I was 18/19), I could quite possibly get a vehicle there as long as I had money down. Of course, I saved some money from my income taxes to get this baby. At first I didn't qualify but after some twists and turns, this baby is in my name & we have a car!
- Gone are the days of wasting 45 minutes walking to work.
- Gone are the days of wasting 45 minutes walking from work.
- Gone are the days of asking for rides.
- Gone are the days of walking to overpriced Brookshire's just to carry my overpriced groceries in my backpack all the way home.
- Gone are the days of never going anywhere unless we had a ride.
I need to practice my night driving though. I drove out into the country the other night and everything was just so blinding and started to blur together. How do you do it?!
Anyway, that's my good news! Did I tell you this car (Honda Fit) has outstanding safety ratings & gets outstanding gas mileage? Plus +! I really feel like we made a great decision with this car. I'm really happy about it! Whoo! I can only hope this leads to bigger and better things <3