10 Steps to Breeding & Raising Adorable Spawns


I like to think that I am the master of breeding adorable children. Sure, I've only tested this method once but it has been proven to work!! However, I do not guarantee these results (as the method has only had one success so far) so I hold no responsibility for your outcome. 

Steps To Breeding And Raising An Adorable Spawn

STEP ONE: Want a child. This is the most important of all the steps. If you do not start out desiring a child at that moment you make this decision, your emotions might conflict with the breeding process. If you are not ready for your heart to be walking outside of your body for 18+ years, I strongly advise using some sort of protection.

STEP TWO: Choose a donor. Donor does not even need to have a face. Make sure donor provides qualities that would enhance the ones you are providing as well. The spawnling MUST be adorable. If Donor is an apparent asshole, please NOTE that the possibility for your child to be half asshole is pretty high. Please study the donor very carefully. Minimum time spent on this part of the project should be no less than 6 months.  (Those that are using donor banks are excluded from the time process minimum.) Make sure your investigation is incredibly thorough.

STEP THREE: Engage in sexual activities with chosen spawn donor or insert turkey baster. As a divorced woman, this is quite uncomfortable for me to recap but it's an important step. It needs no explanation.

STEP FOUR: Have a happy pregnancy & BE EXCITED. This is also a crucial step to the beginning of this process. Your little spawn will feel the energy you are feeling. If you are stressed, they will be stressed. If you are happy, THEY will be happy. Feed your baby delicious, nutritious food. Studies have shown that what you eat while baby is in the womb probably directly reflect their eating habits outside of the womb. Put away those potato chips!

STEP FIVE: After the child's birth, provide annoying amounts of love to the child. Don't kiss the child until they can't breath! Don't be psycho! At least let them gasp for air!!! Throw in some hugs while you're at it. Make sure that child KNOWS how much you love them. Your actions & words make the biggest impact on your children. I thoroughly believe how children act is a direct reflection of how you raise them & what kind of environment they are in.

STEP SIX: It's time to get that baby genius started early. HELLO! If people in other countries get their children playing the piano by the age of three, we have no excuse. Sure, let them be children to some extent but do you know that between the ages of 0-7, their brains are like a SPONGE? Did you see that family who home schooled & their children were in college by 12? At first you might think...ain't nobody got time fo dat! But damn! The sooner they are to getting a degree, the sooner you can stop paying for them & MAYBE they can pay for you! Shoot. That is motivation enough for me! Baby books? Let's try Encyclopedias instead.

STEP SEVEN: Culture your child. There is nothing adorable about a child eating chicken tenders. All children like chicken tenders. But a child that eats sushi? That's adorable. That's cool, your baby knows a few words in Spanish thanks to Dora? My child can point out Spain on a map. You see where I'm getting with this? Pull your child outside of the box. Don't just teach them kiddie things. Help them realize how big and awesome the world can be! I mean, if they ask legitimate whats and whys, you answer them to the best of your ability!

STEP EIGHT: Be hard working & respectful. What the hell does this have to do with having an adorable child?! I will tell you. You don't want a spoiled brat! You know those kids that start screaming in the store & the mom keeps shopping? Woman! Toys are not a necessity! Get your damn child out of this section. What the hell are you shopping for while your child is screaming his lungs off? Throw that kid over your shoulder, walk straight out that door & back into your car. You let that spawn know that they can't be actin' a fool in public because they can't get their way. It's disrespectful. You know what you just did? You led by example. Be hardworking? Yes. Get off your ass & do something. Don't be a complainer, be a doer. You are your child's original role model. Would you rather him complain or just do? Or ask for help? Your choice, your offspring. But if you want that baby to be adorable, nothing's more impressive than seeing a child clean up after its own mess. Right?

STEP NINE: Bleep this. By now, your child should be adorable, loving, cultured and responsible. You don't need another step. You should already have a cute freaking child. I'm sure you've already taken thousands of pictures as proof because you're so damn impressed with your results. But if you must have the tenth step...

STEP TEN:  Lather, rinse and repeat. Make sure you bathe because all this hard work will make you sweat. It's not easy to raise a cute kid. You had to put some effort into this! Pat yourself on the bath and let Calgon take you away.

I know I missed a few steps that probably could have been added but dang! I can only give you 10! I'm not your mama! I ain't about to give you ALL of my secrets!

This was actually suppose to be Day 2 of the Blog Every Day in May but I'm just going to have to make it for Day 6. So here is my What I Do entry. I breed beautiful kids. Yes, kids. I know these steps will help my next child. Whenever that may be.


Jenn said...

"The spawnling MUST be adorable. If Donor is an apparent asshole, please NOTE that the possibility for your child to be half asshole is pretty high." Lmao omg! This was the best thing I've read in a while. xD

Jenn said...

I mean, it's true!!!! lol

Jenn said...


Jenn said...

Thanks Amber!

Jenn said...

Too funny! I especially love the part about the chicken tenders. Some people are seriously convinced that's all their kid will eat! Try feeding them some other stuff!

Jenn said...


Jenn said...

I tag you to do the 'A few Pretty Things' Tag.

I'd love it if you took part, the information is here.

Much love, Nicole ♡

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