My new favorite picture of me. I'll regret not watermarking it.
I am a woman of indecisiveness. For the most part, I have trouble sticking to something and following through. This obviously has caused many problems throughout my life. I've just now (at the ripe age of 28) figured out what I wanted to do as a career. I never knew I wanted to be a mom until I became one. I thought everyone wanted the fairy tale, cliche kind of life so that's what I wanted to. I turned out to be wrong on that one and effed up a few people's lives while I was at it. It happens. Who knows HOW MANY times I've deleted my Myspace/Facebook/Blog/Twitter/IG in my social media timeline. A few of you have been around long enough to know that it's been too many times.
The point is, every time I feel overwhelmed or misguided, I reset something in my life. Sometimes for the bad (with good intentions) and sometimes for the good. Like today for example, I decided I wanted to be an organizing/clean freak so I literally spent hours trying to find information on how to do this. I mean, people can't POSSIBLY be natural clean freaks, can they? According to my observations, this can be true. I'm not one of those people. I will always try my best but I easily become overwhelmed.
Since my "reset" of eating healthy and working out, I realized something. I cannot have a life without struggle. I don't want a life without struggle. It's not interesting to me. I am a self-help addict so this only makes sense to me. Every day, I want to battle with myself; to constantly improve myself. I can't just sit around and do nothing. Nothing causes madness in my mind. I always have to be going. My mind always has to be flowing. That's why having brain frog drives me nuts. I can't see! I need to keep going but I can't see/think when I have brain fog. The cure for my brain fog is fitness (unfortunately). Damn that fitness! I hate you! You really are no fun. But, you did help me change my life: Exhibit A (Bigger, sadder me vs. current me), so you win. For now. \
Since I finally discovered what I wanted to do with my career, I've come upon another stumbling block. Okay guys, we're about to go from point A to point Z but this is how my mind works. Stick with it.
A baby. My little boy keeps asking for a sibling. WHY NOW?! Why must you want one now, son? I'm barely holding on to the reigns in regards to fitness/health, I just decided to be a graphic/web designer (this means college in the near future) & you want me to add a baby on top of all that? Please believe, a baby is very much wanted, which is why this is a dilemma for me. I never wanted to bring a child into the world if we weren't financially ready. I didn't do it for the first one so my plan was not to do it for my second. Could you imagine me working (because in this world I'd have to work), going to school, having a newborn, tending to my family etc, etc? Now, I know people do this. It puts their plans on hold or at least extends them a few years but I'm impatient. I feel like I've just discovered a whole new me on levels I've never even seen. I'm set for adventure, self-discovery! But a newborn? If I wait to long though, their age difference will be too far for my liking. So far, if I were to have a child next year, they would be pretty much 7 years apart. That's not too bad but 8 years seems like the max, in my eyes.
Why am I even planning? Things NEVER go according to planned in regards to life. And everything always seems to work out. So really, why the heck do I even worry? No, really? Everything always seems to just work out. Somehow. Someway. So who knows! Maybe a baby will come sooner than I want. Maybe it will happen just how I want. Before Mike and I ever got together, we would joke that if he was going to have a baby, it would only be with my clone (since he couldn't really do anything with me at the time). And I always thought it would make sense to be the mother of my best friends baby. Well look at us now. He doesn't have to clone me and I can be my best friends baby mama. Dreams do come true!
Typical "where my feet have gone" photos.
It's been two months since my last post. I haven't kept up with the blog world and I'm not sure if anyone still even blogs. I restarted my Bloglovin' feed so I'm adding blogs as I go. Within the past two months, not too much has changed. I'm not sure if I've mentioned before but my son just started school. We went to our nine week parent-teacher conference and he is doing wonderfully. To my surprise, the teacher mentioned that he should be doing 1st grade math in no time. I say my surprise because he is his mother's son. I was not the brightest when it came to math and it's never been my favorite subject. With Michael by his side though, I guess I'm shouldn't be too surprised. Michael is a lover of math & science and so is my son. My boys are brain twins.
I turned 28 in October. I have no fear of turning 30, rather I am looking forward to it. I'm starting to see myself as a fine wine. I get better with age. Plus, I think I look pretty good for my age so what is there to be scared of? Anyway, Happy Birthday to me :)
I quit working out for a month but continued with my healthy eating habits. This month, I'm currently on day 11 of vegetarian month. I naturally gravitate towards vegetables so this has been pretty easy. I'm giving myself an exception on Thanksgiving and following up Thanksgiving dinner with 3 days of raw foods to cleanse my system. I stopped drinking Green Tea for a bit and I regret it. Today I had my first cup and I feel so much more like myself. I can clearly see how a lack of fitness & green tea affect my mental and physical health. I had horrible brain fog, my sex drive was on the verge of collapsing (Not TMI, this is real shit) and I started to dislike myself again. I can't stand running but I never want to feel so low again. I can't believe how much fitness actually enhances my life. Especially my mental health. It blows me away how much I change when I don't work out. Ugh. I don't like working out guys. I'm sure not too many people do but damn do I feel fantastic afterwards. I ran/walked 5 miles today and while I'm sore, I feel strong. I've been having some problems with my knee so my butt has slowly been melting. What a relief it was today to notice my knees were feeling okay to do some squats.
Speaking of things that affect my life, let's talk about blogging. As much as I try to fight against social media, I've decided to give up. I miss blogging. I don't care how boring my life might be right now. I miss interacting with you guys and reading about your lives. I miss watching you guys grow. I miss getting ideas and encouragement from you guys. I think what scared me the most was that I am most vulnerable on here. I expose the darkest parts of my life. to you guys. KNOWING anyone can read it. I'm not like this in person. I don't just throw out my private thoughts. If anything, I try to keep them inside so nobody see's them, especially my family. I am not a "LOOK AT ME! KNOW EVERYTHING ABOUT ME" kind of girl. I think my personal battle is that I felt that blogging made me a fraud. But it doesn't. If anything, it helps me stay true to myself. I'm honest on here and I don't hide much, if anything. I need to get over this battle I have with me vs social media. I keep coming back and for good reason. Sure there are freaking creeps on here, probably diddling to my pictures, or even worse, but there are creeps everywhere. I can do whatever I can to protect myself and my family but if someone wants to get me bad enough, they will. Do NOT let this pretty face deceive you. I am LATINA. Let me remind the creeps out there that this family has LITERALLY been trained T O K I L L H U M A N B E I N G S. Hooah. Understand? That is not an invitation to my life. Just a promise that we don't play around these parts.
What else? Oh! Our move to Seattle has been delayed another year. Due to some recent promotions within this household, we've decided it was best to wait another year out. Which I was sad about at first but it's actually kind of nice. I get to go to conventions I would have been missing and I get to spend more time with my friends and family. I've also decided to finally take the first steps to taking courses at the local college. Michael and I have a set goal of starting our own graphic/web design business. That's it. At the ripe age of 28, I FINALLY know what I want to be when I grow up. It's never too late, is what I say.
I think the biggest battle for myself recently is the struggle with my job and being comfortable being broke. I work retail so I have a floppy schedule. It interferes with my life, my family life & especially the time that I have with my child. Not only that but I don't make enough money to have too much fun anymore. To buy anything for myself. I have to be honest, I am exhausted. I work hard and really sucks to make just enough to pay the bills. I know that I put myself here. I should have gone to school years ago. I probably should have been more career focused. However, things worked out the way they did so that I could be where I am now. While I'm so happy in all other aspects of my life, my career needs a lot of work. I'm glad that I've finally chosen a path to go down but starting all over blows balls. Big balls. I'm frustrated and over it. I don't want to be broke anymore. I don't want to struggle. You always hear that if you work hard, you'll get what you want. I'm still patiently waiting for that to happen. I know that I'm destined for greatness but the time it's taking me to get there is killing me. *breathe* I hope there are some financial changes in the near future. My family deserves it. I know I am better off then some people and I remind myself of that every day. But still, you know?
Anyway, thanks for reading this novel. You probably forgot that I was even in your feed or that I existed but I'm just popping in to let you know that I'm still here. I'm still alive and I'm still fighting for a better life for my family and myself :)
PS, just in case you aren't following me on IG, go find me at @heygoodluckFollow my blog with Bloglovin