My new favorite picture of me. I'll regret not watermarking it.
I am a woman of indecisiveness. For the most part, I have trouble sticking to something and following through. This obviously has caused many problems throughout my life. I've just now (at the ripe age of 28) figured out what I wanted to do as a career. I never knew I wanted to be a mom until I became one. I thought everyone wanted the fairy tale, cliche kind of life so that's what I wanted to. I turned out to be wrong on that one and effed up a few people's lives while I was at it. It happens. Who knows HOW MANY times I've deleted my Myspace/Facebook/Blog/Twitter/IG in my social media timeline. A few of you have been around long enough to know that it's been too many times.
The point is, every time I feel overwhelmed or misguided, I reset something in my life. Sometimes for the bad (with good intentions) and sometimes for the good. Like today for example, I decided I wanted to be an organizing/clean freak so I literally spent hours trying to find information on how to do this. I mean, people can't POSSIBLY be natural clean freaks, can they? According to my observations, this can be true. I'm not one of those people. I will always try my best but I easily become overwhelmed.
Since my "reset" of eating healthy and working out, I realized something. I cannot have a life without struggle. I don't want a life without struggle. It's not interesting to me. I am a self-help addict so this only makes sense to me. Every day, I want to battle with myself; to constantly improve myself. I can't just sit around and do nothing. Nothing causes madness in my mind. I always have to be going. My mind always has to be flowing. That's why having brain frog drives me nuts. I can't see! I need to keep going but I can't see/think when I have brain fog. The cure for my brain fog is fitness (unfortunately). Damn that fitness! I hate you! You really are no fun. But, you did help me change my life: Exhibit A (Bigger, sadder me vs. current me), so you win. For now. \
Since I finally discovered what I wanted to do with my career, I've come upon another stumbling block. Okay guys, we're about to go from point A to point Z but this is how my mind works. Stick with it.
A baby. My little boy keeps asking for a sibling. WHY NOW?! Why must you want one now, son? I'm barely holding on to the reigns in regards to fitness/health, I just decided to be a graphic/web designer (this means college in the near future) & you want me to add a baby on top of all that? Please believe, a baby is very much wanted, which is why this is a dilemma for me. I never wanted to bring a child into the world if we weren't financially ready. I didn't do it for the first one so my plan was not to do it for my second. Could you imagine me working (because in this world I'd have to work), going to school, having a newborn, tending to my family etc, etc? Now, I know people do this. It puts their plans on hold or at least extends them a few years but I'm impatient. I feel like I've just discovered a whole new me on levels I've never even seen. I'm set for adventure, self-discovery! But a newborn? If I wait to long though, their age difference will be too far for my liking. So far, if I were to have a child next year, they would be pretty much 7 years apart. That's not too bad but 8 years seems like the max, in my eyes.
Why am I even planning? Things NEVER go according to planned in regards to life. And everything always seems to work out. So really, why the heck do I even worry? No, really? Everything always seems to just work out. Somehow. Someway. So who knows! Maybe a baby will come sooner than I want. Maybe it will happen just how I want. Before Mike and I ever got together, we would joke that if he was going to have a baby, it would only be with my clone (since he couldn't really do anything with me at the time). And I always thought it would make sense to be the mother of my best friends baby. Well look at us now. He doesn't have to clone me and I can be my best friends baby mama. Dreams do come true!