So I'm pretty sure that my relationship is over. I try not to think about it and accept it as it is but it's really hard. He's still in our house. The home we created together. I still have to see his face. As much as I want to hug and kiss him every time I see him, I refrain. He doesn't want it. That really fucking hurts.
Our relationship failing is partially my fault. I don't want to say it was fully my fault because it takes two to tango but damn, I had a good chunk in this.
And it all had to do with my shitty self esteem. Not accepting who I am. Not owning up to my own bullshit. All that trickled into our relationship. Michael didn't come to Texas to be with a mediocre simpleton and I became one. I became comfortable and complacent in this make believe world I created for myself.
Here is my bullshit that I am owning because I now fully understand what it means to genuinely love myself:
I am a cheater. I am a liar. I didn't even like myself for years prior to this day. I hoped I would die. I let myself settle for shit I didn't even want because I was afraid to be different. To be the person I actually am. I blamed everything on everyone else because I didn't want to admit to myself that I was a complete fuck up. That I allowed myself to dumb down. That I allowed myself to be plain. As a punishment for my mistakes earlier in life. I punished myself and in turn...well shit isn't going how I expected.
I'm a fucking adult and it's time I start acting like one. It's time to stop the pity parties. It's time to accept everything I did, everything I've done and everything I will do. Time to own all of my decisions and the circumstances I am in now. Time to stop letting everyone pull me around.
Stop pretending you're special because you have troubles. EVERY ONE HAS TROUBLES. ITS A PART OF LIFE! That doesn't make you special one BIT. Who you are outside of that "stuff" is what really makes you special.
I honestly think my deep depression was fed by this self hatred. I don't even think it's genetic anymore. How did I let myself get so bad? To the point where I wanted to take my own life at one point? Why?
Because I didn't want to be a grown up and accept myself? So I stood behind masks of an image I built. A popular image. A cliche image. One others can easily accept. WHY did I CARE SO MUCH OF WHAT OTHERS THOUGHT OF ME? Why did I want their pity? Why didn't I want their envy? Envy of the awesome fucking person I actually am?
I don't want your pity any longer. The old me is no longer here.
I mean, can you IMAGINE witnessing this awesome person, that you love, crumble before your eyes. BY CHOICE? I cringe every time I think about what I accepted. The life I accepted for myself. I wasn't happy and I chose to bring others down with me so I wouldnt be alone. That's fucking selfish. I should've been riding Michael's god damn coat tails to success and supporting him. Instead I dragged him into the fucking fire.
But I see it all now. I see myself and what I did out of self hatred. I woke up and whole heartily made the choice to break that cycle. To no longer accept accept being a victim of my own decisions and my own shit. Ha. A victim. You are only a victim if you make yourself one and I sure did that. But I'm done.
I fully embrace and love you Jennifer. You are no longer allowed to hide anymore. Be free and be you. I'm no longer going to try, I'm going to do. I'm a doer and I have zero time to waste on bullshit. That shitty person I use to be made me lose the man I love and even though I'm angry, I forgive myself.
I forgive you.
Learn from this.
Be uncomfortable always. Never stay stagnant. You are a rarity and you cannot waste this gift that has been given to you. Your potential is too great to be stuck at home in silence because you're afraid of others disagreeing with you.
Shave off any other shred of that toxic bitch. Cause bitch, you need to go. Literally, no one wants you anymore. We all want the original Jennifer to take the reigns so your time has come.
I hope this helps someone before its too late. Please own your shit. Your self hatred trickles into every relationship you have, I promise you that. If you don't want to lose the one you love, change before it's too damn late.