Today's reality


When I become overwhelmed, I feel like it's an outer body experience. So much energy & emotion shoots through my body that it becomes uncontrollable. Years ago, I would just sit on my bed and cry. Cry and cry until it all came out. These days, I'm very in touch with my emotions. I know how to control them. I know what to do when I feel out of control. I breathe

A lot of times I go into my closet, turn off the light and lay there. I concentrate on my breathing the entire time. If I'm cold, I'll cover up but I will stay in that closet, in the dark. It lasts about 20-30 minutes but it helps so much. I honestly think I need to do it at least once a week, in the early morning if possible. Or even every morning to start off my day. I wonder if what I do is meditation? I've never even thought about that until now. 

One time, I did something different. I got overwhelmed but for reasons a woman just can't control ;) So I drove. I listened to the radio & I drove. I stumbled across a graveyard. I hadn't been to a graveyard in almost 10 years. I entered the area and felt a sudden sense of calm. I spent the next 30 minutes walking around and thinking about all the people down below and what kind of lives they must have led. What they might tell a person like me who was trying to find peace among the dead. 

"Be grateful for the life you have now. It's the only one you'll ever get. Be happy."

That was the voice that overcame me. It wasn't anyone elses voice speaking to me. It was my own. As I looked at my feet, I imagined the many souls that lay around me. There must be hundreds. Hundreds of cold, whittled bodies lay under me that once lived promising and bountiful lives or maybe even dreadful lives. Whatever the case, it sent me into a calm, comforting place within myself. 

It was something I needed. 

The past few months, my job situation has not been great. I work in retail & it's hard enough to find childcare as it is. I've felt so much pressure to give more of myself & my time then ever before. I've given all that I possibly can & it's caused an unbalanced shift in my life. All my time for mere dollars? It seems so cruel to work such crazy hours & make for two weeks what some people make in a few days. But I did what I had to do in order to pay keep a roof over our head, food in our bellies and the bills paid. At least I had a job, I would tell myself. Then the hours at the store started to get cut. And here I am, off more than I usually am & angry. I am angry I allowed myself to settle for this when I know I am so valuable. I made a resume & have been consistently applying for jobs. In a few months, my child will be going to school & I'll be damned if I don't try my hardest to get a job that will allow me to see him when he gets out. Where I don't have to send him off on weekends to family because I can't afford a babysitter that weekend. Where I don't have to work nights most days of the week. I've had a few interviews and are looking forward to more until someone can see the capabilities in me & decide to take the chance. I already enrolled in school & I'm hoping to take some classes when my son is away on vacation this summer. Not hoping, I AM going to take classes. I have no choice but to better myself to help get myself and my family out of this life that we don't really want. 

I will always be grateful for my job but I cannot afford to work there anymore. As a libra, if my balance is shifted and I don't have any family time, I am completely thrown off. I am a sign of balance and that couldn't be more true. 

When you throw me out of whack, I'll get all Mommy Dearest on you. We don't want that now, do we? Because personally, I like nice, loving Jennifer. I don't want to hiss at everyone I come into contact with because I think they are out to hurt me. It's too much energy & emotion to give out & quite frankly, I'd rather give my time & energy to my family & myself. Be mad? Ain't nobody got time fo dat!


Jenn said...

You can do it!!! It is really overwhelming going to school, working and having a child. But trust it me can be done! I have one year left until my BS has taken me a little longer than the average college student, but it can be done! Try online classes. Columbia College is a great school and you can surely get grants. I am married and have two kids, but i still get grants so I do not have to pay for my schooling and I take online classes which are SOO easy!

Jenn said...

Thank you so much for your response. It really is a help when other people encourage you. Especially strangers :)

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