I'm Natalie Portman!!


Imagine yourself sitting in a dark corner for years. Tears running down your face. All you can feel is sadness. Your body feels numb. You cry out to try and feel something else besides the  darkness. You feel like you are screaming for help. HELP, PLEASE HELP ME! SOMEBODY SAVE ME! I'M SO TIRED! I DON'T WANT TO BE SAD ANYMORE. But nobody comes. Everybody else is too busy to help and even if they stopped and ask what's wrong, they would be lost. They wouldn't know how to help you. Besides, this isn't the first time you've asked for help. It's probably the 100th time, if anything. So you keep crying. You keep waiting for a force of life to be thrown back into your tired soul. Your body becomes cripple and you crumble up into the fetal position. You're ready to die. You're waiting to die. You want to die. And before your nose hits the ground, before that last tear falls from your face....before you spread your arms out and let your body float gently into the air, you feel something. 

Suddenly, you feel the hardest slap on your face. Your body feels like it's been hit by a lightening bolt. You start to feel the blood rushing through your veins. You get excited because that jolt of life has finally come to save you. You feel the coolness of the tears drying up on your cheekbone. You can see the light outside and it seems so much brighter than it was before. You can hear a giggle in the background as your child laughs at his favorite tv show. You hear your inner voice scream at you to GET UP! THIS IS YOUR ONLY LIFE!!

Then it hits you. Your body starts to jerk. You want to vomit. You can feel every single ache in your body. It feels like someone just beat you up, continuously, for years. It hurts. It really hurts. You run to the bathroom & grab medicine from the cabinet. The texture of the bottle feels so smooth in your hands. You pop those two ibuprofen pills in your mouth. They are tasteless. Your body feels sore but rejuvenated. You don't want to lay down in that bed anymore. Your nerves are jittered and the last thing you want to do is relax. So you step outside. The heat blasts on your face. It stinks outside. It's disgustingly humid as if it's going to rain. You don't even care. You just stand there for what seems like hours.

You were right. It's going to rain. It does rain. At first the rain dribbles down. You hold your hand out and feel the drops slide down your palm. You stare at them. They are so translucent and you're in awe of every movement it makes. Your feet are cold but as the rain falls harder, you start to feel cleansed. Cleansed of every tear, of every drop of sadness that ever entered your body. You feel filthy at first. Covered in remorse and sadness. You want to scrape it off of you but you're enjoying the moment so much you stand still. 

The wind starts to blow and the rain falls a bit harder. It's raining too hard, you think to yourself. Once again, you don't care. You take in every shiver, every annoyance. By this time your hair and body are completely soaked. 


Your body shakes from the sound! Tingles run through your body and you can feel yourself shake. Lightening! Thunder! Oh my goodness! You feel them rip right through you!!! You start to giggle with nervous laughter. A laugh! Oh my goodness! You laugh harder because you haven't heard yourself laugh in such a long time. It sounds gloriously loud...and annoying...and really beautiful. It sounds just like you. So you just keep laughing. Your face starts to hurt because you're smiling. You haven't smiled in so long. All these emotions start to take over your body. You don't know what to do with them so you start to jump up in down, holding out your arms, taking in the downpour.

I'm Natalie Portman!!!!!!, you think to yourself while visualizing her scene from V for Vendetta.

You can't help yourself anymore. You feel so alive! You can feel every single touch, every thought, every sound. You feel like you're on drugs. Everything went from 480p to 1080p in a matter of minutes!!!!! This is WHAT YOU'VE BEEN WAITING FOR!!! THIS IS IT!!!! THIS IS THE MOMENT YOUR LIFE CHANGED!!!!!!

You scream out loud! You want the whole world to hear your happiness!!!!


This is the day I got out of my depression. 

This is the day that atheism saved my life.

I've never talked about this day to anyone. I've always kept it a memorable day that I could relive with just myself. It was the day that I admitted to myself what I believed. While in that corner, with tears down my face. In that admittance, I came to a realization that this was truly my one and only life. My child needed me. My family needed me. I needed myself. 

Ever since then, I feel like everything I feel, see, touch or hear is enhanced. I cry more often, not because of sadness, but because I'm so happy to be alive and experience all those things no matter how big or little they may be. Sure, every once in awhile, I start to feel sadness creep up but the moment it starts to attach itself to me, I feel my body fight it. I feel my body laugh at it. "I DONT HAVE TIME TO BE SAD! I COULD DIE TOMORROW!" my mind says as it slaps the feeling away. 

This is my only life. I'm so grateful and forever thankful to be here. I truly feel that now. I do live life to the fullest. I love harder than I've ever loved. I live deeper than I've ever lived. I truly feel alive. 

I'm so happy.


Jenn said...

I really like this post. What an awesome moment that must have been! Lots of people have similar stories about the moment they found God. I love reading one about someone finding "not God." Everyone has their path, and your story is refreshing!

Jenn said...

Wow, this is a beautiful post! I'm so glad that you have found happiness. :-)

Jenn said...

I'm glad you were able to crawl out of the darkness. :) I can certainly relate to the feelings of darkness and such, but it's amazing to find that light to carry on and enjoy living!!

Jenn said...

Please trust that this is not an attack, but a genuine question: When you say "I'm so grateful and forever thankful to be here," who are you thankful to?

Jenn said...

Whatever got me here for this experience. Since there is no absolute answer as to what got me here, that answer could be anything. Im just acknowledging my gratitude to the universe.

Jenn said...

I also want to add that Im kind of addressing myself in that particular statement but I know what you're actually trying to ask so I just answered it the best I could, while Im at work on my phone :)

Jenn said...

Makes sense. Thanks!

Jenn said...

Thanks so much for taking the time to read Jennifer. Many people find their own light in different ways and I'm happy to have shared my own experience.

Jenn said...

Thanks so much Sarah. It's a powerful feeling to be this happy!

Jenn said...

You know, I've haven't read something similar to my own story so it's pretty neat to be among the minority!

Theme by: Pish and Posh Designs