Deer in the headlights


Honest post here guys. Where is my happy face? I know many of you who follow me on Instagram (goodluckjenn) might have noticed something missing in my self portraits. I have too & it bothers me a lot. The last time I remember seeing a glow on my face was (according to my IG) 7/21/12. It's been about 2 months since that picture. Has something happened between then and now that I look so exhausted and blue?

My son came home. Am I unhappy my son came home? Hell no. Then what is the problem? It made me look at the hard reality of my new life. I miss being a stay at home mom. I truly and honestly do. I miss obsessing over time spent with my family. Now I work full-time at a job that I can't truly advance in. Not only that but I cannot afford childcare. Thank goodness for family at this time. It's not my jobs fault that I can't afford to pay childcare but in this reality, I either must get a second job or find another one. I'd hate to leave my job before the busiest time of the season but it's a dog eat dog world and I have to do what I can to survive & provide. This is the real world. As much as I want to be with my baby all day, every day, I cannot. It hurts.

I'm unhappy with my body. Who isn't, right? But this time it is my own fault. I'm 10 lbs heavier than I'd like to be. That's what happens when you treat your body like a trash can and feed it junk. It's what happens when you don't take care of yourself or exercise. I freaking hate exercising. However, this will all change. I have future plans for clean eating and exercising and hope to share them with you very soon. The days of being bloated, not fitting into my size 7 shorts (which actually probably shrunk but whatever) & feeling sick after eating junk food will now change. I'm holding myself responsible and I hope you guys will too.

I'm tired of working. I hate working. I'm sure most of you hate working as well. So here I am, joining your club. Let's go down to the pub after work and get a drink, shall we? I work retail. It sucks. It's all I've ever worked. I feel like my worth & time could be spent elsewhere than catering to everyone elses $$ needs. And while I am SURE being a waitress would be worse, I have a feeling it might make me a little bit more money. Online schooling isn't an option either. Not too many people (employers) take that schooling seriously which is quite disappointing.

I don't want to be here. You find out who is really there for you in hard times, when you make a decision that most people don't agree with. In this case, divorce. It has been over a year & understandably, some of my family is still iffy. They are finally coming around (even if it's slowly) but can I express how awkward it is that your family, that lives around the corner from you, doesn't see you for weeks at a time. Or that you haven't seen your grandparents the entire time your child has been gone, even though they live 45 minutes away from you? Your child was gone for 6 months. Now I know that I had been extremely busy and tired from working all of the time. And I worked every single weekend. And I don't have a vehicle so it's hard for me to see anyone. But really, I'm making excuses for everyone else

Lastly, another thing that has bothered me is the response to my significant other. It's been extremely minimal. While I didn't expect them to accept him instantly, I thought they would have at least gotten to know him. None of that has really happened. Is it because he looks different? Is it because they think he is the cause of my divorce (untrue)? I'm not sure. I would like to point out that there are some family members who are in my life who have been hurt by this divorce but have been as responsive as possible to Mike & really care for him. I truly appreciate it but they are in a minority. How do you think it feels to know the man I love & who is absolutely wonderful to me & my son, isn't really accepted? He moved across the entire country, leaving his family behind, to be a part of our lives. He has NO ONE here. I must reiterate, no one. We barely have any friends here because we are so busy. I promised him family & he barely got that. I can only hope HOPE hope for a better response in the near future. He is quite wonderful, driven and extremely smart. It's their loss to lose out on his friendship & care.

We have future plans to live in Northern California. I can't wait to make it there. Michael loves the West Coast and especially the ocean. It's the least I can give him since he's had to put up with sooo much while he's been here. I'm exhausted. From work, from life, from reality & from thinking about my dreams. The least I can give my family after this tough year and a half, is the peace you get from falling asleep while hearing the ocean waves crash on to shore. Santa Cruz, we're coming for you!

Mike & I 7/21/12


Consider The Lilies said...

keep on movin girl, you're a strong mother and a fighter. do what makes you happy and family can either join in or miss out on relationships with two wonderful people!

p.s. i live in NorCal and have my whole will love it :) hooray for Santa Cruz!

Darianne said...

You got to just be strong, and keep living. Don't let anyone bring you down, or keep a smile off your face. I know exactly how you feel about your family not excepting who you're with. It sucks, but if he makes you happy, let him continue to make you happy, and you're family will either come to except him or miss out. I hope things lighten up for you soon dear. No one should have their happiness taken away.

Jenn said...

Thank you for writing me and sharing your thoughts. It's really good to know that other people have experienced what I have and that I'm not alone :)

Jenn said...

Thank you sweet lady!

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